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Change and Confusion

Change is never easy, and while I embrace change, I also have a difficult time accepting it.

Yes, that's very contradictory.

But that's the kind of person I am.

Today though, I've decided, I'm going to change.

I will no longer accept that, "this is just the way things are. This is just the way I am."

I will no long accept that. Never again. I will not allow myself to not move forward because of these words.

I need to get myself out of this mentality that this is how my life is going to be.

I don't want to be stuck here forever.

I want to move forward.

When others need help, I'm great at giving advice. But I seem to follow the "do as I say, not as I do" mantra, because I never listen to my own advice.

"Don't give up. Don't stop. You're not going to see results right away. Don't despair."

Words we all hear, words most of us never follow.

I myself forget these words.

Well from today, I'm not going to anymore.

I WILL change.

Baby steps.

My first step today was to head back to my Japanese studies and get myself in the game.

I'm starting my ~Le Ninja Anna strips up again as well. You'll be seeing a lot of those here.

I'm going to keep up with my blogs.

I will exercise regardless of how I feel and I will not fail.

We can do this!

And now on to the confusion part.

Why do I keep people at arms length?

Certain people, not everyone.

I want to be close to others, but then once I see myself getting too involved, I back off.

I push them away.

I don't want to change our relationship.

I want us to be friends.

Nothing more.

But I feel like their feelings are so much different.

So I'm starting to push away again.

I, who wants to be loved, doesn't want to love.

I realize now, that I don't want that commitment.

I don't want to lose what I have with them.

They may want more, but I don't.

I don't want more.

I want what we have right now and nothing more.

Very few people have broken that wall and stepped into my comfort zone.

There are very few people who have managed to let me embrace them.

But, I can't.

I just...

I want to embrace change, but I'm not ready to accept it.

I want to be your friend, and nothing more.

My feelings don't want more.

Please, don't try to push it either.

I'll just distance myself further and I eventually won't come back.

I need you to understand that.