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Made a mistake of finding someone I knew in high school and haven't seen since then. Now I took a trip down memory lane while also viewing the lives of others as best I could through their pictures.
What makes this a mistake?
Cause it reminds me of where I'm sitting right now. I kind of got stuck and I'm not sure if I'll be able to get up.

Married. Kids. College. Dating. Careers. Still in touch with each other.

Like with high school, once I left, I was meant to make a new group of friends. Like I'm never able to get close enough to anyone to hold onto them past one life experience to the next. My best friend is the only one who I've managed to keep in my grasp, yet even she seems to be loosening her hold. Not her fault. Neither one of us really make the effort to make holding on worth it. But she's my past and my present and I would hope my future. She will forever be my friend no matter the distance.

That's beside the point though.

Though I tell myself I enjoy my time alone, that I'm okay with where I'm at... I see these things and realize that deep inside I'm not. Deep inside I wish I went/was in college, that I had a significant other, that I would already be on my fourth kid, that I would be living in a nice house with a nice job as a translator. As a singer. As an actress. As an author. As a comic writer? Traveling the world. Meeting celebrities. Visiting Japan, S.Korea, China. Anywhere but where I am right now.

Now, don't be mistaken. The fact that I've taken the step to move from one place to another is a big step for me. I'm happy that I made the move and I'm happy with whom I'm living with. I'm almost finally out of the debt I've been in for the last four and a half years. But, I pretty much took one step and then sat back down. And I'm still sitting here.

Getting up and taking that step is hard. Really hard. Some people can do it so easily, but it's a serious struggle for me. It hurts. It hurts because I know I can take that step, yet I'm struggling. Struggling to take a step in the direction I want to go. To where I want to be.

There's a roadblock. It's in my head. It's all in my head. I need to break through.

But for now, it's almost 3:30 am. Too late/too early for me to do much of anything. I'm not helping my body or mind any by not sleeping. So for now I shall sleep. Good night everyone.


( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
Aug. 25th, 2014 12:31 pm (UTC)
You're not alone!
Hey you're not alone at all, I have countless entries that sound almost exactly like this one. I hope that gives you some sort of odd comfort I hope. And at least a handful of my friends around our age feel the exact same way.

As with going through Facebook and getting depressed about it and where others are in life... I know that too well. I used to do that with MySpace, I do the same with Facebook. It's like you suddenly compare yourself and think life is a race and that you're losing. I feel the exact same way. Facebook is unhealthy like that. I try not do it often because of how depressing it really is.

I don't think that moving is as easy of a task as a lot of people, and getting out of debt is an awesome, amazing, important thing! I try to remember that there are people drugged out and in jail that are my age. I'm doing "better" than some people my age, and others are doing even "better" than me. Life is not a race but sometimes it feels like it. You just gotta remember you're not on the wrong path, and it's not too late for you. We're still young (not by society's standards but screw society!) so we can do anything we want!!!!!
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )