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To Get My Thoughts Out Of My Head

I'm not really lonely. Going to work and putting up with everything there is really all the human interaction I need. I like my work friends, but a lot of them are pretty much that... work friends. I don't have many people I would consider friends outside of my work place. And those that I do, well we really don't converse much. And I mean almost never. I know it works both ways. I have to put just as much effort into it as them. But for the longest time I was the only one who ever took any time to try and communicate. Now that I've stopped.... I'm actually conflicted. Because then it makes me feel lonely. I want to talk to those I haven't talked to in a while. But I also really don't have much to talk about. My life has pretty much been the same since I graduated. I could literally count on my hands the number of life altering activities that have happened in the last 10 years.

It's really ridiculous once I think about it. Well, I've thought about it a lot. I don't have much going on for me. I've been working at Walmart for 10 years now. I've gone from being a stellar employee who always did her best and really enjoyed being at work... to one who has pretty much given up and don't care. Well I shouldn't say I don't care. My personality makes it almost impossible for me to half ass anything. I'm always freaking out over someone elses mistakes. I enjoy doing some of my work... but only certain tasks do I do with great care. Because I actually enjoy them. I also care enough to make sure I don't reach the max number of call in's...but only because this is my only source of income at the moment and sadly, I need it. Until I can find a new job, I'm kind of stuck.

I live in a society where you need a job to get experience, but to get the job you need experience. Well how am I supposed to get experience if you won't hire me? I mean, yeah, some places consider college education to be that experience. But I can't afford that. I mean, I can't really get any scholarships. I've been out of high school too long. Forget about a loan. My credit is shit. And just add school fees to my already bulging list of money I owe.

I owe too much money to be frank. I'm really a terrible person when it comes to saving money. Because I don't. I don't save any money. Right now I can't. Literally all my money goes towards bills and living expenses... and that's just a few of things. I can't even pay all my bills. I'm almost considering giving up my car, but then getting to a from work is going to be difficult. I can walk, but I live in Wisconsin and the winters here can be pretty cold... and depending on the snowfall.... and I work till 9 a lot. I don't want to walk alone at night. Normally I don't care. I know no one is going to kidnap me. I'm too fat and frankly not worth it. But I AM afraid of the dark. And both routes I can take to get home are pretty...dark.

I know, excuses, excuses. I'm just a walking bag of excuses.

Anywho's. The point of this is to really just get all these thoughts off of my chest.

I feel like I need a change in my life. I've been listening to "Invasion of Privacy" and watching many youtubers/videos lately and I'm slowly realizing that I need to start making the first step. I need to let go of all this tension.  I need to do what's right for me. Which is harder than you would think, but I really need to do it. I'm playing a mental game with myself. I have been for ages.

I want to lose weight, but I don't want to exercise or eat better... well let's change that. It hurts to do much more than walk. After a long day of work the last thing I want to do is walk around. So I should walk in the mornings...but I don't want to waste my before work time, walking. But now that I'm on my own, I shouldn't be using that as an excuse. As for the eating better... well I could start by eating less. Even if I can't afford the healthy food, I still shouldn't eat an entire box of mac n' cheese for dinner and then 20 minutes later, whatever else I can find in the fridge. I have no money so I need to maybe cut back on how much I eat for the sake of saving money. And I need to make healthier food choices. Buy more veggies and fruits. Less pasta and rice. More meat... damn I want meat. I also want cheese.... just get me a whopper already!

I feel another step I need to take is to stop being so lazy and getting caught up in the monotony. I have dishes that need to be done. So do them. But instead they sit. Smokey's litter box needs to be cleaned out... again, I need to take care of that but I wait till the last minute. Mail has been sitting in my mailbox for three days because I'm too lazy to walk up the stairs to get to the mailbox. Instead of catching up on my reading, or videogames, or all the videos on my externals... I'm on my phone playing picross or on facebook. I know, I know, I could do other things. But I really enjoy playing games and reading and things like that. So I need to get more involved with them. Right now I'm in a "get everything I want now and forget about what I already have" mentality and I need to get out of it. Even if that means being less social. Well I don't know much more unsocial I can get, but I'm sure I'll manage it. lol.

Anywho's, I've got a lot to work on. This is just the current step. That and I'm already bored with this. I mostly did this because I really wanted to type something out. I love typing on the keyboard, but alas, since I don't have internet, I find no need to go on my computer to type lately. >.>;;

So this is where I will stop. I know no one will read this. And I'm fine with that. This was literally just a place for me to get my thoughts out there. In order. Figure a few things out. I did that somehow.



A random day to start something new, but it works.

I've decided that, starting today, and here's hoping it isn't just today, I will be doing a blog post every week. Just to get my mind onto paper... or in this case, a screen. So much has been running around in there lately. My future, my life in general, friends, frustrations, and the works. I'm thinking it'll be a smart idea to now get these out here in the open so that I can stop making myself sick from holding it all in.

Now to start:

I have nothing. Lol. The most I can say is that I finished reading Steven Tyler's "Does the Noise Inside my Head Bother You?" and the only thing I really got from it is that he's a drug addict and that it's hard to get away from. I do agree with this. Granted I've never done drugs, but I am a food addict and addiction is not easy to kill. I want to lose weight and whatnot, but I can't stop eating. And I don't want to eat the healthy food. No. I want bread and cheese and meat.

I've also been feeling like crap lately. Now i'm sure the weather, and it's bipolar ways, hasn't helped with this. But I think I've finally developed allergies. I can't sleep at night. My body aches like never before. My foot is swollen. My acne just keeps flairing up. I'm sweating like crazy. I'm beyond tired. I have no motivation. And i'm more irritiable than usual. Things that didn't used to bother me do. I just.... I need a break from everything and I can't get it.

So I'm going to start this. I need to change my life around and move with it. I've been sitting around for far too long.

Let's see where I can go.

Am I happy?

For the past few months...almost years actually, of my life, my days have been all pretty much the same. Work. Sleep. Eat. Anime/manga/books/videogames/jdrama's/kpop and jpop. I don't do much aside from that. Not that it's boring to me, I enjoy it, but I was just recently (like this morning) aware that everyday I wake up knowing what to expect of my day. I don't care to be around people much and my favorite activities can be done right in the comfort of my room. So honestly, I don't mind it too much, but at the same time, it scares me sometimes. I don't really know why,  but it does. I mean, while this monotony continue on for the rest of my life? Will I ever a time when I'm doing something I've always wanted to do? Travel to other countries? Sing or act on stage? Have a book published? Art work on display? Meet actors I adore? Go to an anime convention? Make a youtube vlog? Travel even within my own country? Make babies, get married? Or will I continue to struggle with money and be content with my comfort activities?

But to answer my question... I do believe I'm happy right now, but I feel like that happiness won't last unless I do something different, and soon.

2014.10.23 A Memorable Dream feat. Choua

I had this dream a while ago, as you can tell from the date, but I'm finally putting it up here. I promised Choua that I would post it for her to read about, so here I go.

WARNING: I wrote it down immediately after I woke up and as I'm trying to read it I realize how choppy and all over the place it is. So I tried to clean it up some but it may still be all over XD;;

Now to start, this dream takes place in a place I've dreamed of before. I've been to this place a few times, but everytime I recognize it. It's this cute little house with muliple obstacles inside. Like a video game sort of. There's the back entrance which is where you usually enter from. And the left door, front entrance, and right door all lead to different places (ie. think of it like being in Tokyo, taking the left door and finding yourself in the Grand Canyon. Like that) The front entrance leads out to this wooded area with a few ponds and bridges. As you move forward you go over a few bridges until you get to the big lake surrounded by what you would usually see around a pond: trees, cattails, lily pads, frogs, the like. Back to the house, There's a little door to the left of the back entrance that leads out to this patio, treehouse, obstacle thing. You have to climb and jump and stuff to end up at the actual patio where you can overlook this ocean like landscape. And right door kind of reminds me of an old southern house with the random porch and the screen door that's covered with a curtain. This usually leads to a really long bridge with this huge machine looking thing off to the right, and a beautiful night sky/lake on the left. But as you continue along with bridge you wind up in a canyon and somehow in India (ancient times landscape). Now back inside the house, it's huge, and there are obstacles EVERYWHERE. Lots of stairs, landings, deadands, walkways, ladders...you get the idea.

So that's the jist of the house I'm at. Now, I'm not exactly sure how I ended up back at the house. The part of the dream leading up to this is completely forgotten XD;; I think I was on my way there from school or something? But I was walking there, either to stop by or it's my place of residence I'm not exactly sure. I was being followed though. So once I got inside, I went through the right door and started being all acrobatic to get my way to the platform thing. I jumped, climbed, walked some pathway, and found my way there. When I looked back, I saw the guy was still following me. I *think* I may have been flirting with him, because we were both grinning at each other. And then out of nowhere there's Choua. Next thing you know, Choua and this guy are chatting, so I make a big show of making my way back into the house. From there I head to the left door. The door had some things in the way so I had to remove them. I pulled this bar out of my way and then pushed the curtains aside so that I could reach through the window and unlock the door from the otherside. During this whole process, Justin (a friend of mine) is telling me about how recording a playthrough for his friend and Choua is there again (excluding the guy). For some reason I'm trying to convince Choua to come with me by telling her how pretty the place we're going is going to be. But after I managed to convince her and go through the door, a guard of some sort passes by and Choua gets super scared. She tells me that the guards are there to take her away. So I grab her hand and we make it outside.

What I usually expect to see through this door is not there this time. This time we start walking straight and end up with a crowd of people walking behind some really tall builidings. I was trying to get Choua too look up at the tops but got distracted by a hill leading towards the back of the whiite house. The hill was covered with dog poop and mud. That's when I discovered I was barefoot. After climbing up the hill through this obstacle of poo and mud, I noticed some water rushing up the hill and that's when I realized we weren't going the right way. So Choua and I head back back to the right back. A little ways later, we find ourselves in a Japanese village. Cutting through some buildings I found myself holding a ritual pillar that apparently meant "ready for battle." Suddenly the Jpaanese people were trying to cage me in the entry way but I somehow managed to get them to understand that I don't know how I got to holding it. That's when a random Amanda appeared. So now it's Choua, Amanda and I.

So on the next leg of our journey, I have a backpack (again, not sure how this came about). It has school stuff in it and in a seperate bag I had shoes and a jacket in. But at other points I didn't have either, so I'm not really sure what I did with them.... But anywho's. The three of us start heading out, and we notice a big cop in the cage with a man yelling at him for trying to fight. Once we get through the entry way, we are now on a train/circus. We had to walk/crawl through these areas until we got to this window were we needed a ticket in order to get through. Choua and I had a ticket, but Amanda didn't, so we had to leave her behind. She ends up arguing with the guy at the window as Choua and I head on our way. Now we made it to the valley/mountain range on a path that would eventually lead to a dock/pier. But we never managed to get there because while we were in the process of getting there, some random old lady appears and tells us that there is a flood/tidal wave coming and we may have been too late to get away. I pretty much grab Choua and tell her we have to go back, and we start running. Running faster than I have ever run. At some point we end up losing the bags we suddenly had on us, and bypassing every single one of our obstacles by going AROUND them. When we are a safe 2,000 meters away (don't ask how I know that...and it's long in my dream world okay), Choua and I stop to catch our breaths. The scenery at this point is back to normal and we find ourselves in a wooded area with houses and backyards and things. And that's when I notice I don't have my bag. It's while I was telling her about it that I suddenly woke up.

And that... is my dream. It was crazy.


My Life as an Obsessive Fangirl.

It all started off with Sailor Moon. I loved Sailor Moon. I loved it so much I would wake up everyone Saturday morning to watch it. I would wake up at 4 am on Sundays just to see it. Sailor Moon came stateside when I was 7. I am now 26. I've spent almost 20 years of my life, being an obsessive fangirl.

I have to add obsessive in there. Because it's not like I'm just a huge fan... I obsess. Always.

I grew up with anime.

Rurouni Kenshin

Yu Yu Hakusho

Sailor Moon

Cowboy Bebop


Big O


Fullmetal Alchemist

Wolf's Rain


Omigosh, I loved Toonami.

Adult Swim.

You know, the basics. Once I was more familiar and the internet was easier to navigate, I was finally able to check out more beyond what was airing on tv. Admittedly this wasn't until closer to high school. Even though I was majorly obsessed, it never occurred to me to take to the internet. Besides, back then it wasn't as easy as it is now to check this stuff out. But once I did, I really fell into this world.

While I was in high school, I started checking out manga. Could have been in middle school yet, but I'm not 100% sure, so I'm going to say early Freshman year. Now until I graduated, I only checked out maybe a few titles. Otherwise it was all anime for me. But I started to really get into the music, So I started researching more on it. I still have the CD's I burned with all the anime music I collected. But as I got into the music, I started to go beyond just artists that sand anime openings and closings. I looked into others. And I just kept going.

Now once I got out of high school, I took a small break from the anime/manga/jpop/jrock world. I was still watching and buying manga to read, but I wasn't as hardcore as I was about it. I got a job my senior year, I started to really look into rock bands based here in america. Now, don't get me wrong, I was listening to american music my whole life (Backstreet Boys, Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears, you name it). I just really got into the rock scene though. I started working at Walmart, had two credit cards and a need to travel. So I checked out a few groups, went to a few places out of state, made a few friends along the way.

Then I became something of a hermit. I reintroduced myself to anime and manga and thanks to my job (and lack of bills at the time) I was on a spending spree. Buying any and everything anime and manga related that interested me. I was constantly on the internet downloading or checking out anime. Reading fanfictions. Constantly involved with anime and manga. That was pretty much my life. It was thanks to that, that I earned my title of the "Japanese fangirl" at work. You liked that kind of stuff? Go talk to Anna. Met one of my best friends that way XD

Now I want to take a quick moment to tell you that I was also into video games. Final Fantasy, Legend of the Dragoon, Dragon Warrior. Love RPG's. While I love video games, I'm not quite as obsessed as I am with other things. I also love to read. I have a bazillion books (not nearly as many as my mother though). I do have favorite authors. For example Tami Hoag, Raymond Khoury, Dean Koontz to name a few. I read just about anything that piques my interest, but I'm admittedly a mystery girl. Now, these have always been a part of my life and while I'm happy to say I'm a bookworm and love to play games, I don't necessarily obsess over them. Except for Devil May Cry and Assassin's Creed. Oh, and Kefka. I love Kefka. He's my favorite villian of all time. So yeah...


Now at some point I ended up liking more than just the anime. I was really into the voice actors too. So I started looking into them more. I LOVE Jason Leibrecht, Chuck Huber, J. Michael Tatum, Crispin Freeman, Greg Ayres, Chris Patton, Todd Haberkorn, Laura Baily, Luci Christian, Colleen Clinkenbeard, John Burgmeier, and a bazillion others. I was checking out animes simply because certain voice actors were involved. So now I was obsessed with voice actors. Even considered finding a way to become one. Sadly...I don't really have the skills XD;; But yes, I really loved them. I've always been a fan of both Japanese and English. But I watched most of anything that was English dubbed, in English...except for Prince of Tennis. I tried. I really did *cries*

And to give my opinion on the subs vs. dub argument: Watch it however you like. You prefer subtitles, watch it with subtitles. You prefer watching it in English dub...then watch it in English dub. Who cares what others think about how you watch it. Watch in the way that makes you comfortable. As long as you enjoy it, what does it matter how you watched it? And for the record, I like both. Now, back to my story.

Eventually I discovered that Ouran High School Host Club has a live-action drama. So I checked it out. Needless to say Kyoya was flawless. Daito Shunsuke. I liked him so much I looked into other works he's been in. There I found out about Nobuta wa Produce. Andt that's where I met Yamashita Tomohisa (aka Yamapi) and Kamenashi Kazuya (aka Kame). I don't really understand why, or what made me decide to look more into them, but I did. I found out they were both part of an idol group. Yamapi was from NEWS, and Kame from KAT-TUN. Both groups are part of a male Japanese idol company called Johnny's Entertainment. At first I was only interested in both of their acting skills, but something in me wanted to know more about their music, and as a result, I took a dive into the Johnny's World.

Ah, Johnny's World. So many beautiful...Asian men and boys. So many.

Kinki Kids
Sexy Zone
Johnny's West
and the Jr's.

There are a few more I failed to mention. Man, I can't even begin to tell you how hard I fell into them. Anime and manga no longer existed in my eyes. I was completely infatuated with this company and it's groups. Next thing you know, I was not just listening to their music, but I was watching anything they were featured in. Every drama I could, every music show, every variety show. I was just so deep into them I couldn't believe it.

Kanjani8 and Hey!Say!JUMP are my favorites by the way.

And let it be known my love for rock music never left me. It was discovered that a former member of NEWS was now the lead singer in an amazing rock group called ONE OK ROCK. One of my all time favorite groups.

I also became familiar with a Nishijima Takahiro thanks to the drama's I was watching and ended up in love with his group, AAA.

At some point I slowed down and allowed anime to creep back into my life. But at this point, I was more for the manga than the anime. But the point is, before I became overly obsessed with Johnny's, I had a lot of anime friends. Now I had anime and Johnny's friends. Some were fans of both. Actually...just about anyone who liked Johnny's, liked anime too. I had this friend though, who liked anime and Japanese music, but not Johnny's. Yet he liked to share songs with me, as I did with him, because it was fun. He randomly posts a video on my wall one day. NU'EST's "Face."


Next, he posted BtoB's "Insane."

Seriously guys...

Once you enter the Kpop world, there is no turning back. And I was no exception. I was sucked right in and I'm still there.

I blame my friend for this. I knew of Kpop before and I liked a few things, but I think my other obsessions kept me from falling in. Problem was, now I had a foot on one side of the door and I couldn't close it. Now thanks to my friend, I lost control of everything and just...


It just happened.

Now I'm all about Kpop. One group led to the next and led to the next. I now have a UB (Kim Sunggyu) and a favorite group (INFINITE). For the first time in a long time I was actually interested in female groups. Variety shows were watched daily. I haven't fallen into the Kdrama trap yet though. Not yet.

I did however fall into the BBC shows trap. My fandom friends were talking about Doctor Who and Sherlock a lot. I was never really interested because I was so caught up in everything else, I just didn't care. But something told me to finally take a peek at Doctor Who. I really shouldn't have done that. Not because I regret it, but because I now have more to obsess over. Next it was Sherlock. And now I'm watching Supernatural. There's a lot more on my list to check into now.

Of course, after a while, you need something new or to just take a break. In this case, I've become interested in a few C/M-pop groups and singers and I'm debating on whether I should look more into them or not.

But the whole point of this story was to tell you this: Try not to get stuck into too many fandoms. It's impossibly hard to keep up.

I'm super behind on new anime. I've been trying to watch more, but there's so much to check out that I just gave up and started watching older ones, or ones I've seen before (Prince of Tennis for example).

I still haven't read some of the manga I've bought YEARS ago. And yet I'm buying new manga...and not reading it. But then I resort to reading it online.

If most J-drama's weren't almost an hour long, I'd be caught up by now. But there are soooo many to watch and I keep finding new actors I like.

I can't seem to keep up with Johnny's anymore. I have so many videos that I are just sitting there waiting to be to watched, but I don't really have the time.

I'm now into so many Kpop groups that I can't keep up with all their tv appearances, or even their old variety shows. I'm still playing catch up. And I'm now falling behind on new releases.

I've got books coming out my ears that need to be read.

I want to play video games but I'm afraid of falling behind on everything else that it's hard for me to pick up the controller...but I'm suffering from "not holding the game controller" syndrome right now.

I have a lot of youtubers that I watch as well, but haven't checked many of them out in a while.

I'm too afraid of doing one thing because it's going to push everything else back even further.

And to top it all off.... I'm now also obsessed with Buzzfeed Video's. Yep.

And I want to draw and catch up on my Japanese studies as well. I also want to maybe craft things...and such. I need to clean. I Yet, I don't want to fall behind. I mean, just writing this entry is making me fall behind. I could have finished an episode of Hanasaki Mai ga Damatte Inai in the time it took me to type this.

I want to sacrifice sleep, but I need energy for work.

I don't want to work, but I need money to buy things with. And to pay bills.

So in the end, I'm far to obsessive. But I don't regret a moment of it. Fangirling is literally my life. I just wish I got paid for it.

R.I.P EunB and RiSe

So even though I wasn't too familiar with them or their group, what happened to these girls seriously hit me hard.

EunB - 21 years old.

RiSe - 23 years old.

Both so young. They had so much going for them. There was so much more for them to do. And then that horrible crash happened, and now two beautiful ladies have left this world. I can't even imagine what the other three members are feeling. Their families. Their friends.

And it scares me. This reminded me that my idols are human too. I could lose my idols at anytime as well. My friend. My family.

Since I've heard of what happened, I just... I imagine what was going through their minds as it happened. Did they see it coming? Or did it happen so fast that they didn't register it. The horror of what they could have seen coming. I mean, it scares me. And I just feel so horrible for them. I just can't shake the feeling. I just don't understand. I can't fathom it. What was going through their minds?

I'm nearing a panic attack. I can feel it coming. I wish there was a way to stop it, but I'm just so sad. So scared. So upset.

I feel bad that this happened though for me to actually pay more attention to them. I knew of them, heard a few songs, but never really paid more attention then that. And now...Now I want to know all about them. I know it's late, but..

But isn't that how a lot of other people may be too? Is it bad that I want to know more about them NOW? I mean, I was going to look more into them in the future. But now I feel like I'm too late. Yet, I still will anyways.

I'm sorry girls. I wish I could have been there more for you in spirit. I'm sorry that your lives were cut short. I'm sorry it happened. I really wish it didn't. I'm sorry that I don't know more about you.

I hope both of you rest in peace. Enjoy your time in heaven.

Day ? of a Long Struggle with Weight Loss

I start.






Never-ending cycle of me constantly trying to lose weight only to stop and give up due to a cold, muscle aches or in most cases, pure laziness.

Considering I have nothing much going on in my life aside from work, you'd think I could dedicate some of my time to actually working out. But I seem to keep "forgetting" or just "not in the mood" to get up and work out.

But it's not the working out part that I struggle with the most.

It's my eating habits. I love to eat. Eating makes me a happy person. Even if I'm not eating what I want, I love to eat. It makes me feel good. I'm an emotional eater, and I'll be the first to admit to that. I eat to be happy, I eat to get rid of sadness, I'll eat because I'm angry. Wouldn't be too bad if maybe what I ate was healthier for me. But carbs.


Beautiful, beautiful carbs.

I LOVE CARBS. Carbs make the world go round.

I also like cheese.

Black eye peas.

Green beans.



Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches.

Tuna fish.




Fish in general.

But I love mayo.

See I love a variety of things....but I don't eat the good stuff enough.

I need to eat more of the good stuff.

And I have to eat less. Right now I eat far too much.

My goal is to cut back on HOW MUCH I am eating and get a little more activity in my life.

Just a little more.

So today I'm starting. Again.

This time I will do my best to keep up with it. NO FAILING.

No stopping.


I can do this >3

Though I am a bit disappointed with my first day.

Cause I did a workout, but I didn't keep up with it well. Instead of keeping myself moving when I couldn't do the move, I just collapsed.
I also had chips with my breakfast.....seriously.


Let's work on this.


Made a mistake of finding someone I knew in high school and haven't seen since then. Now I took a trip down memory lane while also viewing the lives of others as best I could through their pictures.
What makes this a mistake?
Cause it reminds me of where I'm sitting right now. I kind of got stuck and I'm not sure if I'll be able to get up.

Married. Kids. College. Dating. Careers. Still in touch with each other.

Like with high school, once I left, I was meant to make a new group of friends. Like I'm never able to get close enough to anyone to hold onto them past one life experience to the next. My best friend is the only one who I've managed to keep in my grasp, yet even she seems to be loosening her hold. Not her fault. Neither one of us really make the effort to make holding on worth it. But she's my past and my present and I would hope my future. She will forever be my friend no matter the distance.

That's beside the point though.

Though I tell myself I enjoy my time alone, that I'm okay with where I'm at... I see these things and realize that deep inside I'm not. Deep inside I wish I went/was in college, that I had a significant other, that I would already be on my fourth kid, that I would be living in a nice house with a nice job as a translator. As a singer. As an actress. As an author. As a comic writer? Traveling the world. Meeting celebrities. Visiting Japan, S.Korea, China. Anywhere but where I am right now.

Now, don't be mistaken. The fact that I've taken the step to move from one place to another is a big step for me. I'm happy that I made the move and I'm happy with whom I'm living with. I'm almost finally out of the debt I've been in for the last four and a half years. But, I pretty much took one step and then sat back down. And I'm still sitting here.

Getting up and taking that step is hard. Really hard. Some people can do it so easily, but it's a serious struggle for me. It hurts. It hurts because I know I can take that step, yet I'm struggling. Struggling to take a step in the direction I want to go. To where I want to be.

There's a roadblock. It's in my head. It's all in my head. I need to break through.

But for now, it's almost 3:30 am. Too late/too early for me to do much of anything. I'm not helping my body or mind any by not sleeping. So for now I shall sleep. Good night everyone.

Change and Confusion

Change is never easy, and while I embrace change, I also have a difficult time accepting it.

Yes, that's very contradictory.

But that's the kind of person I am.

Today though, I've decided, I'm going to change.

I will no longer accept that, "this is just the way things are. This is just the way I am."

I will no long accept that. Never again. I will not allow myself to not move forward because of these words.

I need to get myself out of this mentality that this is how my life is going to be.

I don't want to be stuck here forever.

I want to move forward.

When others need help, I'm great at giving advice. But I seem to follow the "do as I say, not as I do" mantra, because I never listen to my own advice.

"Don't give up. Don't stop. You're not going to see results right away. Don't despair."

Words we all hear, words most of us never follow.

I myself forget these words.

Well from today, I'm not going to anymore.

I WILL change.

Baby steps.

My first step today was to head back to my Japanese studies and get myself in the game.

I'm starting my ~Le Ninja Anna strips up again as well. You'll be seeing a lot of those here.

I'm going to keep up with my blogs.

I will exercise regardless of how I feel and I will not fail.

We can do this!

And now on to the confusion part.

Why do I keep people at arms length?

Certain people, not everyone.

I want to be close to others, but then once I see myself getting too involved, I back off.

I push them away.

I don't want to change our relationship.

I want us to be friends.

Nothing more.

But I feel like their feelings are so much different.

So I'm starting to push away again.

I, who wants to be loved, doesn't want to love.

I realize now, that I don't want that commitment.

I don't want to lose what I have with them.

They may want more, but I don't.

I don't want more.

I want what we have right now and nothing more.

Very few people have broken that wall and stepped into my comfort zone.

There are very few people who have managed to let me embrace them.

But, I can't.

I just...

I want to embrace change, but I'm not ready to accept it.

I want to be your friend, and nothing more.

My feelings don't want more.

Please, don't try to push it either.

I'll just distance myself further and I eventually won't come back.

I need you to understand that.

EXO Dating "Scandal?"

So I recently read an article on how others responded to Baekhyun and Taeyeon's relationship. One person said something that really got on my nerves:

"They should have kept their relationship private."

Well hello, he's from EXO, how the heck does he keep anything private? Stupid papa and stupid saesangs following him (and her) around all the damn time.
I get it. They could have kept it secret somehow. But that has to get tiring. I mean, really. And all these people claiming fans were betrayed and it's not fair to the fans? That's a bunch of bullshit. He didn't betray them. He didn't change, he didn't turn his back on them, he's still the same person, JUST NOT AVAILABLE TO DATE. Not that he was before that either. And they're the ones who betrayed him. Turning their backs the moment news got out. Hypocritical idiots.
I'm still so riled up. Not cause he's dating. I'm happy for him and Taeyeon. I'm mad cause of these so called "fans."

You can't truly call yourself a fan if you're not willing to accept their happiness. These people need to get over this. He is a human being just like the rest of us.

I could just spit with how angry I am over how these "fans" are reacting. T.T