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To Get My Thoughts Out Of My Head

I'm not really lonely. Going to work and putting up with everything there is really all the human interaction I need. I like my work friends, but a lot of them are pretty much that... work friends. I don't have many people I would consider friends outside of my work place. And those that I do, well we really don't converse much. And I mean almost never. I know it works both ways. I have to put just as much effort into it as them. But for the longest time I was the only one who ever took any time to try and communicate. Now that I've stopped.... I'm actually conflicted. Because then it makes me feel lonely. I want to talk to those I haven't talked to in a while. But I also really don't have much to talk about. My life has pretty much been the same since I graduated. I could literally count on my hands the number of life altering activities that have happened in the last 10 years.

It's really ridiculous once I think about it. Well, I've thought about it a lot. I don't have much going on for me. I've been working at Walmart for 10 years now. I've gone from being a stellar employee who always did her best and really enjoyed being at work... to one who has pretty much given up and don't care. Well I shouldn't say I don't care. My personality makes it almost impossible for me to half ass anything. I'm always freaking out over someone elses mistakes. I enjoy doing some of my work... but only certain tasks do I do with great care. Because I actually enjoy them. I also care enough to make sure I don't reach the max number of call in's...but only because this is my only source of income at the moment and sadly, I need it. Until I can find a new job, I'm kind of stuck.

I live in a society where you need a job to get experience, but to get the job you need experience. Well how am I supposed to get experience if you won't hire me? I mean, yeah, some places consider college education to be that experience. But I can't afford that. I mean, I can't really get any scholarships. I've been out of high school too long. Forget about a loan. My credit is shit. And just add school fees to my already bulging list of money I owe.

I owe too much money to be frank. I'm really a terrible person when it comes to saving money. Because I don't. I don't save any money. Right now I can't. Literally all my money goes towards bills and living expenses... and that's just a few of things. I can't even pay all my bills. I'm almost considering giving up my car, but then getting to a from work is going to be difficult. I can walk, but I live in Wisconsin and the winters here can be pretty cold... and depending on the snowfall.... and I work till 9 a lot. I don't want to walk alone at night. Normally I don't care. I know no one is going to kidnap me. I'm too fat and frankly not worth it. But I AM afraid of the dark. And both routes I can take to get home are pretty...dark.

I know, excuses, excuses. I'm just a walking bag of excuses.

Anywho's. The point of this is to really just get all these thoughts off of my chest.

I feel like I need a change in my life. I've been listening to "Invasion of Privacy" and watching many youtubers/videos lately and I'm slowly realizing that I need to start making the first step. I need to let go of all this tension.  I need to do what's right for me. Which is harder than you would think, but I really need to do it. I'm playing a mental game with myself. I have been for ages.

I want to lose weight, but I don't want to exercise or eat better... well let's change that. It hurts to do much more than walk. After a long day of work the last thing I want to do is walk around. So I should walk in the mornings...but I don't want to waste my before work time, walking. But now that I'm on my own, I shouldn't be using that as an excuse. As for the eating better... well I could start by eating less. Even if I can't afford the healthy food, I still shouldn't eat an entire box of mac n' cheese for dinner and then 20 minutes later, whatever else I can find in the fridge. I have no money so I need to maybe cut back on how much I eat for the sake of saving money. And I need to make healthier food choices. Buy more veggies and fruits. Less pasta and rice. More meat... damn I want meat. I also want cheese.... just get me a whopper already!

I feel another step I need to take is to stop being so lazy and getting caught up in the monotony. I have dishes that need to be done. So do them. But instead they sit. Smokey's litter box needs to be cleaned out... again, I need to take care of that but I wait till the last minute. Mail has been sitting in my mailbox for three days because I'm too lazy to walk up the stairs to get to the mailbox. Instead of catching up on my reading, or videogames, or all the videos on my externals... I'm on my phone playing picross or on facebook. I know, I know, I could do other things. But I really enjoy playing games and reading and things like that. So I need to get more involved with them. Right now I'm in a "get everything I want now and forget about what I already have" mentality and I need to get out of it. Even if that means being less social. Well I don't know much more unsocial I can get, but I'm sure I'll manage it. lol.

Anywho's, I've got a lot to work on. This is just the current step. That and I'm already bored with this. I mostly did this because I really wanted to type something out. I love typing on the keyboard, but alas, since I don't have internet, I find no need to go on my computer to type lately. >.>;;

So this is where I will stop. I know no one will read this. And I'm fine with that. This was literally just a place for me to get my thoughts out there. In order. Figure a few things out. I did that somehow.